-aratsel-

USUALLY… and i say usually, i look forward to birthdays… may it be mine or my loved ones… i love it… because i like giving gifts, making them special whatsoever…. but these past few birthdays i had, it wasnt quite as something i look forward too…

NEVERTHELESS… i enjoyed my 22nd birthday, thanks to my love, for making it special… well… if i could only tell you how it started and how it ended… quite extreme… from plain crying to the tears of joy… i never knew that a normal person could feel such 2 extreme emotions in just one day…. how i was so pissed that i wanted to die, and the next minute how i wanted to savour the moment of happiness in me…

But simply this year… i won’t be looking forward to it… and as my last days of being 22 comes to its end, i would say… i love its days… why i don’t look forward in being 23??? SIMPLY, i don’t wanna face the reality of my life…

I MAY LAUGH with you… SMILE with you… TALK with you as if i have nothing much to worry in my life… but as the moment comes when im alone, in my bed comes this great fear… something i have to face… I had to… and nothin could ever stop it from coming…

OLDER… yes im older now… 23 on the 22nd of february… can’t believe it… my own personal new year… dang… i have to face what i have to face… WHAT IS IT???

THE LIFE that simply lies ahead of me… IM scared of REALITY. I HATE IT. BECAUSE simply IT HURTS… I WANNA LIVE IN FANTASY because its FUN, no complications…

IM on the verge of cryin right now, but im trying to hold it back. why? because its no use. IT WONT HELP. I WANNA reflect on things but how do i start? what are the things that i do need to reflect on? SIMPLY I DON’T KNOW… or MAYBE I KNOW but im scared of REFLECTING. WHY???

BECAUSE AGAIN…. IT HURTS… and these february 18, 4 days before my birthday comes to this realization point, that along the way, i need to talk to myself, weigh things over, REFLECT, PLAN on who’s im gonna be, what’s im gonna be, where im gonna be… and from there i take it need to put into action… IT HURTS, someone will get hurt, i will get hurt, but its for everybody’s sake… its REALITY. sadly it is… that’s the only remedy.

SO BEFORE I FACE THE SERIOUSNESS of my LIFE, i wanted to do something creative, something fun, the ecstatic, euphoric feeling will be there, before i face the PAIN, excruciating as it may be…

I NEED TO LIVE MY LIFE in a manner that I NEED TO THINK ABOUT MY LIFE. ITS not about others, ITS ABOUT ME, selfish i need to be, BUT somehow I NEED TO somehow focus on me. WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY??? WHAT REALLY MAKES ME HAPPY??? and NOT WHAT MAKES OTHER HAPPY???

oh damn, its not making sense at all…

anyways… to my loved ones… I LOVE YOU ALL… and i PROMISE, all the decisions i will be facing, i will be making, i’ll be thinking upon it first, and many times, before making such actions… I LOVE YOU all, and its sad that there are always conflicts and contradiction and such doesnt mix. ITS like a heterogenous mixture that no matter how you stir it, it’ll never get along… so instead of keepin it stirrin… you just had to let it go, because simply, it’ll never work….

and to my special one, i owe everythin to you, my maturity, my dreams, my goals and desires in making my life better its all because of you… i love you…

NOBODY’s PERFECT… argue no more… true, and I say it again, TRUE, nobody is perfect… although people try to be one, dreams to be one… no body can be…. There may be people near to perfection, thinking their life is the most enviable life in the world and each and every second in their life they see and feel no worries in life…. If u are near to perfection… think again….

Way back in high school I used to feel I have the most enviable life…. I have this superior feeling in me that people submits to me… probably true… because sometimes they say I can be very intimidating… and with things, I get everything I want… I have the brains, the power, the face, and my loving family, very good and loving and loyal friends, well probably not the height… what else can you ask for? (I am not bragging..I am not… I am reflecting…)Again, I will use the term I’ve always used before… “things in life don’t out exactly how you planned it, no matter how much you wanted it to turn that plan on that way…” So my time for my superiority had come to its end… My dad suffered from stroke, I thought it was the end of my life… Luckily and thanks thee to the Lord, every storm/rain has the rainbow after it, and sun will surely shined on me…

On my first college years, again I have the superior feeling in me… but, with that personality came pepole… people who loved me from being someone who’s  domineering but many got intimidated by the way I carry myself, the way I speak, well I do believed many loved me but many as well hated me…(I think…)I don’t know, but im just being who I am, I do not want to hurt no one, nor make myself hated by people, who wants it to be that way, I just wanna be the same me on my high school years, someone being looked upon… but the family I had in my high school years, is no longer with me anymore, they had to move across the miles to find us a better living, we thought we would have but I guess with the way life goes today, its gonna be a tough road for us… So my late college years was full of loneliness…. But I do loved people who are always with me and who never wavered to be my refuge and confidante…And as i graduate and became a nurse, I  thank my friends for everything especially that special person who changed my whole point of view in life… I owe you for who i am…

I thought world revolves around me… that’s what I believe in, that the world is there to be with me and hang on to me… But, someone made me realize that we revolve around the world, we are just mere travelers waiting for our final destination to be reached and our race would be over… a

I believe in the excerpt from the movie Moulin Rouge, “the greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return” True… again I say… TRUE…. But, do u know what’s greatest, loving someone and caring for someone not expecting anything in return… and u do not expect nor hope you will beget love… You just express love because you love, no regards if you’ve are loved because for you that’s your nature.. lover.… simple as that… isn’t that greater? For you should not hate your enemies but rather love them more… isn’t that more noble?

A couple of weeks from now I will begin my second semester of teaching, who the hell would say amongst my closest friends that I will become a professor, teaching theories, supervising students, making sure they learn from me, making sure that I amsomeone who imparts and embeds knowledge in a young person’s mind, knowing he/she will always remember what I have taught. And along the way whenever he/she encounters that, I will be flashed in his/her mind… Knowing that I have influenced a lot of people in their lives … and it changed because of me, isn’t that the most fulfilling and satisfying thing inlife??? I dream to be that person… I want to be that person…

Again.. this is not to brag about my life, and the way it turned out to be… I know that all the qualities I have right now, they aint mine… they are never mine and can never be mine… I know God just lent me those things for me to utilize and he wanted me to do it for a good and holy purpose not something that glory to be on me, but rather, ALL GLORY UPON GOD…I had the subject on this blog “something is missing”… because some things are missing… some people are missing…. I know my parents doesn’t check on Friendster much though they have their accounts, but, anyways, they are the missing piece in my life, for my life to be near to perfection though I don’t want to be the same person who has so full of herself…. Even if I didn’t accomplished anything in my life, did not become of who I wanted to be, did not turned out exactly as how I planned myself to be… the thought of being with your parents, your brothers, and all the people you love, I believe I would be complete… Nothing in life can replace the feeling of having a complete and happy family… and I would never, ever exchange anything for them… I ENVY those who are with their family because I know their life may not be perfect but they are contented for they have their loved ones to be with them each and every step of their ways…

I miss you dad, mom and kuya… I LOVE YOU ALL…

i wanted to be a writer, crazy as it seems, but sometimes i wonder if i could be a great one. i was an editor in my high school campus paper but yeah its totally different really writing. i got no professional study for that.  but what am i saying?

its 1:15am, i need to sleep i badly need it coz i need to get up early and go to work. but then yeah i was watching sex and the city the movie in my brother’s pc and i simply can’t move my feet nor my eyes, its all fixed on the movie. i swear! well, i wasnt a big big fan of sex and the city but i do watch it before, and i think i was in high school way back then and my days in cali and i really enjoyed it, not because of the you know stuff but more of the friendship thing they had and all these bumpy roads they had but still they manage to make women liberated and dominated to men. im not a feminist really but i just adore and i wanted to be a strong woman, that no matter what heart aches love causes me im still me… but yeah that wasnt the point… the point is… no matter how strong you are, how smart you are, when it comes to love, we are all the same…

love letters from great men… lord byron, ludwig van beethoven, napoleon… they are great we know… but, the greatest love letter a girl could ever receive and could ever understand the beauty of its words is when that love letter is from thye man she loves. true. cheesy as it seems which i am not, but in love that’s it…. some may might say the movie is corny, long, cheesy, but its really touching… believe me… i cried… and dang even though i dont want to i did….

do fairy tales come true? the first part where carrie and big decided’ to get married, she told samantha about it, and if i could recall the script was like, "its not like a romantic cliche kneeling on one knee, its two grouwnups making a decision…" something like that, but sometimes, those romantic cliche things are those people wanted… some part in their life they become hopeless romantic… again i would say cheesy as it may seems, but that’s the best thing that could ever happen to one person… and i can perfectly remember miranda and steve’s bridge thingy… omg… i cried a lot!!! i needed 3 tissues!!! oh well… lots to say… and expect a part two on this blog…

shitty as it can be but it is… i got so much ideas on my mind right now but i know if i type it all i’d end up all day typing…

lemme just paste the love letter…

Good morning, on July 7
        Even though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my
        Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly,
        waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear our prayer
        - To face life I must live altogether with you or never
        see you - Yes, I am resolved to be a wanderer abroad
        until I can fly to your arms and say that I have found my
        true home, and enfolded in your arms can let my soul be
        wafted to the realm of blessed spirits - alas, unhappily
        it must be so - You will become composed, the more so as
        you know that I am faithful to you; No one else can ever
        possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one
        be separated from her who is so dear. Yet my life in V at
        present is a miserable life - Your love has made me the
        happiest and the unhappiest of mortals - At my age I need
        stability and regularity in my life - can that coexist
        with our relationship? - Angel, I have just heard that
        the mailcoach goes every day - therefore I must close at
        once so that you may receive the letter at once - Be
        calm; for only by calm consideration of our lives can we
        achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me
        - Today - yesterday - what tearful longing for you - for
        you - you - my life - my all - all good wishes to you. Oh
        continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful
        heart of your lover.
       
ever yours
        ever mine
        ever ours

                                     -excerpt from Immortal beloved of ludwig van beethoven

MAY 4 2008
5:57 PM

I simply hate this feeling. I don’t know why, I simply don’t know. Its just that its really hard dealing with life today… don’t ask me no more… i simply am confused now. I don’t know.. I DON’T know.

I’m almost 22… and yesterday was the day when i FINALLY learned how to ride a bike… take that… exaggerated to the highest level but seriously i’ve never learned how to ride one. i have tried but never succeed. the truth is i’ve never had the confidence, (not to mention that i didnt want to have bruises all over my legs coz that’s what they say u will get with bikes) and also  i didnt had someone who would teach me how. gladly my love taught me yesterday. thanks to him i now know.. haahahahahah… it took me 18 years!!! darn!!! i remembered my friends tellin me that im a deprived one coz i missed the fun part of my childhood riding a bicycle. hahahaahaahaha…

it only proves that it is never late to learn something new. never give up on things you didnt achieved before. you just have to give it a try. it has a more satisfying feeling knowing after all this years i am able to learn it. thanks… to the man i love… i owe you a lot.  never will i forget jan. 26, 2008… wow!

How exactly does the word "blame" mean to you? if you look for words that are synonymous or somewhat what it means what is it to you? when you say the word blame its like your putting someone in responsible for, or u hold responsible for this action or whatever… ACCUSATION, INCRIMINATION, ALLEGATION! blah blah blah!!!And why does this word hit my head?

again dunno.. to those people who knows me well, i’m the type who always have lots of thoughts simply popping on my head, and i’ll be on outburst telling what it is.. as of this moment i have no one to talk to so i just wrote this blog, because "blame" hit on me.. have u  heard akon’s song.. hehehe i liked the beat of it.. it was my lss for a week… harharhar.. kept the beat on my head… lol… anyways… is it wrong to blame? or is it wrong to take a blame? its not about akon ok.. i’m saying this in general? of course there’s a point in our lives that we have blame someone or something.. how does it feel? there’s also a point where we have been blame for someone or something regardless if its our fault or not.. again ask the  question.. how did that feel??? omg.. talk about being sentimental.. dramatic… anyways.. the point is.. never blame.. if we are, are we really sure that they are to be held the fault with? or are they really accountable to that action? because no one in their right  mind would like that…  Remember "Treat others only in ways that you’re willing to be treated in the same exact situation."

and if you are reading bible and you believe in it..
 Matthew 7:12
"So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets."

there something to ponder… oh well i’m up for work now… till my nxt blog!!!

                                                Stolen
            
                                    (dashboard confessional)
            

You watch the season pull up its own stakesAnd catch the last weekend of the last weekBefore the gold and the glamour have been replaced,Another sun soaked season fades away

You have stolen my heart

Invitation only grant farewellsCrush the best one, of the best onesClear liquor and cloudy eyed, too early to say goodnight

You have stolen my heart

And from the bar room floor we are a celebrationOne good stretch before our hibernationOur dreams assured and we are, we'll sleep well

You have stolenYou have stolen my heart

I watch you spin around in the highest heelsYou are the best one, of the best onesWe all look like we feel

You have stolen myYou have stolen my heart

DANG!!!! i love this song...            

yep.. its 3:03pm, wondering what to do at this moment.. i opened my mail, and yeah there’s no mail for me except the bulk and other junkmails… and then i opened my playlist.. and yeah i really like gwen stefani’s song 4 in the morning… i like her video… dang, i adore her voice!

Waking up to find another day
The moon got lost again last night
But now the sun has finally had its say
I guess I feel alright

But it hurts when I think
When I let it sink in
It’s all over me
I’m lying here in the dark
I’m watching you sleep, it hurts a lot
& all I know is
You’ve got to give me everything
Nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me

I give you everything that I am
I’m handin’ in everything that I’ve got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don’t ever wanna have to go & give you up
Stay up till Four In The Morning & the tears are pouring
& I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we’re gonna do it, come on do it right

All I wanted was to know I’m safe
Don’t want to lose the love I’ve found
Remember when you said that you would change
Don’t let me down
It’s not fair how you are
I can’t be complete, can you give me more?
& all I know is
You got to give me everything
& nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me

I give you everything that I am
I’m handin’ in everything that I’ve got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don’t ever wanna have to go & give you up
Stay up till Four In The Morning & the tears are pouring
& I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we’re gonna do it, come on do it right

Oh please, you know what I need
Save all your love up for me
We can’t escape the love
Give me everything that you have

& all I know is
You got to give me everything
& nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me

I give you everything that I am
I’m handin’ in everything that I’ve got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don’t ever wanna have to go & give you up
Stay up till Four In The Morning & the tears are pouring
& I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we’re gonna do it, come on do it right

(Give you everything)
(Give you all of me)

so this will be my song for the rest of the week and probably til july… lol… you know me, i always have this syndrome that sticks and stucks songs on my head… LOL…

so yeah…au revoir!!!

scared eh? dunno.. mixed feelings i have inside… but "fright" is the one that manipulates me most… i really dunno… damn… there’s so many things in my mind right now, that scares the hell out of me… a cup of sadness, 3 pitchers of weariness, a gallon of cheerlessness. 2 liters of distress and weariness… but only a pinch of happiness and glee… MOSTLY GLOOM and MELANCHOLY… dang… what the hell am i feeling today.. i simply do not understand.. its something i can’t let out, its something that i just cant expel in the systemic circulation of my heart.. LOL…

anyways.. "DOLDRUMS" right word for me… its what a belt of calms and
light baffling winds north of the equator between the northern and
southern trade winds in the Atlantic and Pacific oceans… LOL..

I’m in deep low spirits.. depressed mood… damn.. i hate this feeling… but i guess, on the end of it is a euphoric and ecstatic feeling waiting for me.. i just hope it’ll come…

so yeah.. so much for my DOLDRUMS…

i’m supposed to be writing recommendations for my thesis.. but then yeah i was like thinkin… what would i put? aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!! stress… dang… we need revisions but we can’t start… reason for that? nvr u ask! nvr u mind! dang…

uhmm.. so yeah.. i will do it.. but not now.. probably tomorrow.. or maybe i’ll do it on xmas night.. that would be pretty much inspiring eh? something i have to do that day..

again i have this unexplainable feelin… difficult to decipher.. yes truly… hmmm..  i need someone to explain this.. someone who  i think could understand me… LOL…

who could it be? hmmm.. i dunno.. i guess i’m practically not makin sense at all…

i wish my mum could be online at this very moment…

so yeah.. i think that’s all i wanna put in… THESIS!!! who the hell invented thesis???